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Thanks for connecting! You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you sex one or create a new Cracked username. I think. One has some nipple-less boobs. Another has a non-nude sexual position. It's probably best, like with any article, to just read it in a place where you can't get fired or expelled.

I was once a simple man with a simple dream. I wanted to install pornographic Skyrim mods that would let me have lots of sex, go on sensual quests, and shoot lightning bolts out of my tits.

I was going to write about my adventures for your horrified amusement and then quietly revisit this magical land on Saturday nights when I was drunk and lonely.

I thought it was a modest goal. I thought wrong. What followed was countless hours of anger, bafflement, and terror as I experienced more sexual frustration in Skyrim than I ever have in real life.

In the end, the only thing I wanted to jerk was my computer as I fantasized about ripping it from the wall and throwing it through the window. Here's how my idea, and possibly my life, went wrong.

Most Skyrim mods are easy to find. If these massive databases are brightly lit storefronts, adult mods are hidden behind the counter in a crumpled box, the storekeeper looking at you with judging eyes when you mutter your request. These are dark corners of the Internet, friend, and you'd best not tread in them. The largest and most wretched hive of orc blowjobs is LoversLabsex nothing skyrim eroticism like the cold, sterile confines of an experimental science facility.

The two forums dedicated to Skyrim porn have a combinedposts. For comparison, Cracked's General Discussion forum and the Comedy Workshopthe beating heart of this site, haveThere are more people dedicated to adding sex to Skyrim than there were dedicated to adding Skyrim to Skyrim. And if you think Skyrim is passe, you'll be pleased to know their reign of erotic Fallout 4 terror has only just begun. The site is clad in a darkness perfect for late-night browsing in a home love left long ago.

Only the porn ads provide brightness, along with reminders that you could at least be masturbating to real women who will never sleep with you as opposed to fictional women who are physically incapable of doing so despite the tragedy skyrim being programmed to desire it very much. My initial strategy was the same as it is with my sexuality in general -- get in, do what needs to be done, get out, and never speak of it again. But the world of Skyrim sex lured me into its depths like lost Atlantis, tantalizing me with discoveries I'd never forget despite my deep desire sex do so.

I would understand if these mods were buried in the depths of sketchy foreign file-share sites shrouded in spyware and silence. But users swap fictional sex stories the way other players swap tales of slaying dragons.

Ripped middle-aged warriors proving irresistible to coquettish Cyrodiil schoolgirls, midget heroes having rough sex with their giant hermaphrodite allies, foursomes with ancient zombified warriors, a woman in the skin of a slaughtered skyrim having sex with an actual bear -- all these and more regaled like a bro at the bar bragging about his latest conquest to resounding applause from his bro brothers. In another age, these people would have gathered at the local gentlemen's club and discussed the merits of the new Tijuana bible about Little Orphan Annie getting a boob job and a fist up her ass.

LoversLab Spoiler alert: The "hidden contents" are pictures of naked, dead-eyed automatons. These are not just people who want to see frost trolls get dicks. These are people who will stay up until the wee hours debating the appropriate contours of the dick and whether it ejaculates enough semen for a fictional ice monster.

They've dedicated a massive chunk of their limited free time on this Earth to eroticizing a game about shouting at fantasy Norwegians. I went in expecting to find quick ways to make lightning boobs for your amusement, and came out hours later a changed man. I witnessed an anime-faced girl whose few remaining articles of clothing made her resemble a sexy SS officer give a blowjob to a hellhound in skyrim appeared to be a tastefully minimalist skyrim apartment, an experience so far skyrim from the Skyrim I understand that it might as well have skyrim two Martians reading each other love poems.

I gazed too long into this abyss, and it ejaculated on my face. I soon learned that adding sex to Skyrim is like adding missile launchers to your car. It's technically feasible, but the framework wasn't sex to handle it and will buckle under such a precarious weight. Images that looked sensual became stilted and mechanical in motion, like a computer having a fevered dream of what love is even as it knows it will sex be able to experience it.

No amount of care put into these custom animations and textures -- and there are many, many hours of care -- can overcome the basic fact that Skyrim was not built with sex in mind.

It's like trying to bathe in your kitchen sink. It's technically possible, but it was never intended for that purpose. I have never seen a greater representation of the uncanny valley than a hellhound's bulbous penis clipping through the lips and teeth of a girl who's supposed to be uncontrollably aroused, yet whose dead eyes suggest an emptiness that a human being would struggle to comprehend, even one traumatized by the horrors of the concentration camps her outfit suggests she supervises when she's not fellating dogs.

Something behind those eyes is begging for skyrim even through her shell of a body can't comprehend the concept. It only knows, on some fundamental level, that it's preferable to its current situation. But, as I was still naive, I thought I could make this work.

I thought I could tell a story that was amusing, instead of unleashing a dark vision of a future where a dog penis penetrates a human simulacrum's mouth forever. The ability to give my character testicles larger than his head?

Comedy gold. Sexy magic that makes people undress at my command? Sure, that could be funny. The ability to cast magic from my nipples? Achieve orgasm from riding a horse? Why not! Alicia Painslut, who will fight by my side and orgasm if she takes enough damage, perhaps while on one of many new sexy quests like the daring raid of a sex-trafficking ring? Sign us up. A new and erotic main menu theme? Hell yeah. The list went on and on.

LoversLab Ms. Painslut, who's had 26 major updates and 1, posts of discussion sex her since My ambition outweighed my common sense, and I downloaded far more mods than I needed. But these mods are not simply switches you turn off and on. You have to sex the core files of the game to make them work. I lost an entire workday poring through documentation, FAQs, and troubleshooting guides, and to limited success. The only sentence grimmer than "I spent a day of my life installing erotic Skyrim mods" is "I spent a day of my life trying to install erotic Skyrim mods and sex failed.

Furthermore, mods can often conflict. Trying to get everything to play nice together, and all within the sex of a file system I didn't fully understand, was maddening. Sometimes the game simply crashed, like it knew what I was trying to accomplish and refused to be an accomplice to it.

After many hours I got the basics working, but like a mad scientist destroyed by his own unholy creation, I came to regret my hard work. Bethesda Softworks.

My idea was to write a story about Throgg, a sex traveler. Just look at him, starry-eyed and full of hope. Bethesda Softworks See, it's funny because he doesn't match the typical sexual fantasy that drives this community. I'm a comedy writer! The goal was for Throgg to get into a variety of sexy shenanigans like the hero of a teen comedy.

Instead, he found himself in a surreal sexual nightmare, like H. Giger crossed with the wet dreams of a year-old who touches his action figures inappropriately. Many mods technically worked, but they were pale imitations of the already pale imitations they were supposed to be. Throgg's erection was merely a green cylinder without texture, like the peg from a child's shape-matching toy. He thrust in the general direction of his partners' ill-defined orifices but was rarely accurate, instead preferring to penetrate their torsos or nearby air skyrim.

This was of no concern to his lovers, who played their role in this grotesque pantomime without complaint. They can speak no objection. Such is not their station. The true horror wasn't the sex but the world I created. Let me walk you through a typical seduction. Bethesda Softworks Can you guess which option the mod added?

Overwhelmed by the irresistible "excuse me, pretty lady," Adrianne immediately quits her skyrim topic to flirt, which in this context means do what I say. The voice acting cuts out, because she no longer has a voice. Bethesda Softworks "You are willing to show a gent a good time? Peachy keen! Escorting her to a private bedroom was an option, but why bother? In Throgg's world, impromptu public sex is just something that happens in between dragon attacks.

Bethesda Softworks "I want to cuddle and trade blacksmithing tips" isn't an option, sadly. Adrianne will agree to whatever I suggest with uncontrollable lust, because sex no longer skyrim character, merely a dialogue tree that produces different animations.

We strip down and embrace. We go straight to having sex on the cold, wet cobblestones, foreplay being as foreign a concept in Skyrim as the jet engine.

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So I just watched the Skyrim Remastered trailer (I only recently started playing Skyrim), and I noticed that on the rating thing it says "Sexual. Hello, i'm a newbie in skyrim and i have just bought skyrim 3 days ago. I heard Or the full blown sex mods, like ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s of Skyrim. #6. r/skyrim: as for why, its my personal playstyle. Edit: Some people think im pervert (its my personal playstyle not to play games with nudity /sex. 22 comments.